Nec Hezner

5.55am

2009-07-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

Who I'd like to meet:

~~~~~~~~~~~

Adolf Hitler.

Moral standards.

$$$$$

2006, forever.

Positive energies.

Abstract intelligence.

Societal anomalies.

Your inner child.

No, I don't want to fall in love.

-----------------------------------

When I'm alone,

I get far too philosophical and sentimental.

When I'm drunk, I get far too calm and normal.

And well, you can see what I'm like the rest of the time.

Imaginative

2009-07-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

All of you, and the fountain of youth.

Searching, searching, searching.

Well, you're all damn fools.
You've got your youth.Now,
make a fountain of it.

Im Nec

2009-07-05T03:51:00.000-07:00

I love all that is beautiful. It's been said that I'm hard to figure out.

I don't know why you're trying. Things are meant to be what they are, and that's all.

I like to write and read and paint and eat.I go to too many shows,

and I know too many musicians.I'm slowly reverting back to who I was as a child.I love joke tattoos and sushi and ice cream and chai and the way the stars look when you're far from the city. I've never been in love, but I've lived enough to know that it's not so important at my age.

I used to be homeless. I used to be content. I used to be poor. I used to know myself so well.

I believe my home is halfway across the earth, in a place I've never been.I want all that life has to offer. I want to see the world. I want experience. I want change. I want something different than the ordinary, and mundane.

And all-in-all, I change day-to-day. I don't know who I am. Don't expect to know me, either

Friendship

2009-07-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

I MISS ALL OF YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS!

There are not many things in life that are so

beautiful as true friendship,

and not many things more uncommon.

Some people go to priest;

others to poetry; i to my friends.

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.<3

HAPPY!

2009-07-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm Nec. I'm great. I'm going. I'm never going to stop.

Life

2009-06-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

I'm Nec.

I'm a groupie, and my best friend is not a bomb threat.

Nineteen years of bones and skin.

A whole world of extraordinary supernatural,

and you settle for mundane. Everything is conditional.

It would be a matter of opinion to say that I've lived a lot,

but it's my opinion that these few years have seen too much.

I may be honest, unbiased, modest, and pure,

but I'm not at all innocent.

Staying in one place for too long reminds me that I've got a past,

and I could spend my life running from it,

and that would be alright.

I'll do what it takes to stay happy; to truly feel alive.

Oh

2009-06-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still alright.

I just wonder if it's different, or if it's all the same.

I just wonder what it is. That's all.I just wonder,

and my mind just wanders.And I just wonder.

You know, you know.You've got the charm, and you're charming.

And you know what to say and who to say it to.

I don't want to assume, because I've already believed you.

I'm too much of an idealist. And I think you caught on.

But under, you didn't know that my mind works two ways,

and that my vision is wonderful. And I see perfectly fine.

I like to let it fall where it does. And what? I don't know.

Things happen. Things don't. If you plan something,

it never seems to go the right way. I'm sporadic. You're not.

I'm an observer, a watcher, an onlooker.

You go out and do what you do, and the people watch you.

I'm still alright. Things happen. Things don't.

I'm still alright, I just tend to wander.

The moment I'm home is the moment I'm lost.

For that short while, my confusion stopped.

And when it ended, it began again, and it was just hard to adjust to.

That's all. I'm still alright. It was just nice. Things happen. Things don't.

I'll be just fine, I'll just wonder, and I'll just wander,

with you on my mind.

WhyImRunningAway.

2009-06-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

You texted me this morning.

why? I know my reply was harsh.

Its not that i hate you, im just running away,

because i still love you. And its for the best for us.

I dont want things to be like the way it was before and

ending up hurting. Theres nothing more to say, nothing will make

me stay, im leaving. Im leaving you with the past.

And try, and try to understand me

And try to understand what I say when I say I can't stay,

I'm moving on.

-we are history.

Behind the Scene.

2009-06-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

Bloopers and Fun Stuff - sometimes they are more interesting than the photoshoot itself.

Photos from my last shoot in march.

These are all behind the scene shots.

Along with my MUA-

Mav Chien

http://www.knipface.com/

AND the Photographer itself-

Richard Chen

http://www.chaoxangel.com/

Make Up Artist Gone MAD!

WTH?? This is the moment where she starts

her crazyness and decided to put weird hair on my face -.-.

Get Well Soon!

2009-06-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

Receiving bad news.

Im having a bad morning as i did'nt sleep much last night,

i took 6pills and i still could'nt go to bed and my teeth was aching badly.

I kept thinking about you and worried soo much,

I was attending the muslim talk and received

a phone call from you last night. I got really freaked out

when you said you were hospitalised.

I quickly ran out from the theatre and sat at one corner.

I didnt know what to do, i got soo worrid and i cried soo badly,

Shafiee was there to encourage me.

I was praying the whole time for you outside.

I hope you will get well soon as i really care for you

and dont want to loose you, not at a time like this.

I regret soo much for having a fight the night before with you.

i felt soo bad about it.

IM SORRY B

I will always be praying for you.

للهم عافني في بدني اللهم عافني سمعي اللهم

عافني بصري

للهم إني أعوذبك من الكفر والفقر. اللهم إني

أعوذبك من عذاب القبر لا إله إلا أنت

سألك العفو و العافية وحسن اليقين والمعافاة فى

الدنيا والأخرة

It's Time.

2009-06-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

Finally, everythings came to an end.

you are back with him, and im starting new with someone else.

i knew from the start we'll never make it together.

Because i knew hes still in your heart, and i can never replace him.

Im sorry if i didnt try hard enough.

I've always knew you still love him when we were still together,

its just that i dont want to bring it up.

But deep inside, i know what was going on.

you guys have been contacting each other all this while,

but i kept quiet about it. You know i love you and only you.

You know i care for you and i gave you space and try to be as understanding as i can.

But i dont want to go further if this hurts you alot,

i rather let you go and be with him.

rather then seeing you get all stressed up about the situation.

If you're happier with him, then im happy for you.

To be honest, i was already prepared for this.

I know that you will go back to him someday.

Im not mad at you or dissapointed with you.

I have no reason for it because YOU chose who you want to spent the rest of your life with,

im a nobody to stop or change your decision on that,

all i can do is to wish you the best of luck.

And if i love you, i should respect your decision.

Its time to let you go.

and please, no more trying.

We've been tru soo much and its tiring.

Ive realised, whatever i do, i can never do it like him.

I can never make you happy and smile like they way he did.

I have officially closed the door in my heart for you,

if i have no place in your heart,

soo will you in mine.

Too much chances,

too much hope and

too much hurting.

And it all came down to the same point.

This will be the last time i will be talking about us.

You've been a great guy in my life. No Regrets.

Dont be angry if i dissapear away from your life.

I just dont want to be your rebound guy again if something happens to you and him.

And i dont want to be a stir in your life anymore.

It will just be better if im gone from your life.

And im sorry for everything i have done wrong to you,

im not asking for your forgiveness nor your apologies.

whose fault doesnt matter. Its all over.

We know we're not perfect,

we're human beings.

Try not to think about me anymore.

I will not be coming back.

You've moved on,

and soo will i.

New look! ew?

PLEASE

2009-02-23T06:18:00.000-08:00

I want to tell you all the things I've never said.

Everyword that I never let out, I want you to hear it.

I want you to know how I felt, when You let me down.

I want you to be as confused as I was.

I want you to feel sick to your stomache.

I want you to think you're a bad person.

I want you to act how you feel, not how you think I want you to.

I want to treat you like no ones ever done.

Like you did to me.

Enough hair of the dog to make myself an entire rug.

2009-02-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

With all my might, and with everything I am, I wish to be that hidden gem, that tattered dress found buried deep in your grandmother's closet that suggests an indescribable elegance, met with only the most unimaginable of all desires. Something so unfathomable of a life so content like a warm autumn day, with all the air and green turned golden in its splendor. I wish to be the still, the calm, the tender, unmoving, unstoppable time; a thousand faded pictures of lost words and unearthed smiles. I want to be your sense of longing, I want to be your forlorn. I want to be the angst in your heart, the unrest of your soul. I want to know that I’ve got the worth that no words could sum; I’ve got the worth that only a soul, truly troubled, could give. So troubled by the uncertainty that is life and that is of the unknown and beautiful, and the beautifully unknown. I want to be your mystery; your majesty. I want to be your obsession;your obstruction, your life, your love, your hate, your heart. I want it all. I want it in a way most unthinkable, inexplicable, in a way only a soul like mine could understand.

Currently reading:

The Freedom Writers Diary : How a Teacher and 150 Teens Used Writing to Change Themselves and the World Around Them

By Freedom WritersRelease

date: 1999-10-12

Irony

2009-02-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

For some inexplicable reason, when your voice rings through my body, my deepest emotion engorges and vacillates with the overwhelming essence of loneliness. And such an urge amounts from wishing to be where you are, because nothing else seems to matter, seems to compliment and waver with the emotion I never thought I could have known, that only you have managed to evoke.

And this seems to be the only explanation I can offer up as to why I quiver and shake in my solitude, and in the presence of the very thought of you. You introduced yourself by your name, and I would never want to enjoy anything more about you, than what you offer up to me personally, simply because that's how my ideals manifest. I tried to flatter something more, and not only was I out of character, but to this day, I think you took it the wrong way. Which is why, again, I can never say what I'd like to say, and this time, I don't think so much that this "fate" will work in my favor.

You may just be the first thing in years that I've wanted but couldn't have. Sometimes my spine is too weak to hold my bashful and timid head upon my shoulders, just to say the things I feel, for fear of something completely unknown. You do to me without even a single ounce of effort what hundreds have tried, and failed before they could even have a chance to start.

I will mourn the day I met you, the day you told me your name. And I will mourn the day I met you, when you showed me something I'm sure you didn't mean to. I will mourn that day, because now I know what I never would have even dreamed of knowing, and now when I hear your voice, you knock down my walls so elegantly built, and understanding engulfs my knowledge that there is something better than solitude, and with that comes the regret. Ignorance has always been my bliss, and I had always understood that I couldn't desire something I didn't know or understand, and now I know, and now my body aches. And solitude has always been my company. Keeping me quiet and sane. Solitude has always fortified my mind, and now, you've left it susceptible.

And now, all I can say is that it's such a sad thing that I'm such an awkward being for a match to my ideas and thoughts I could never find, but so docile am I that I could never admit to it, never approach you and everything you are, everything you think, and everything that I am that I see in you.

If it takes shit to make bliss, well I feel pretty blissfully.

2009-02-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

There's no getting to know me, just know, I'll never know myself. I change my mind before I figure it out. I know what I want but I know I don't want to want it. I misuse self denial as my discipline. I keep myself in check in order to be an all around people pleaser. I don't form opinions on things I don't feel the need to, and my teachers may not ever understand that. You may never understand that. One of these days, just one of them, I would like to really share what's on my mind. I don't want to be a disappointment. But what can you do. You can only be content. All these beliefs are ruining me.

"And how do you know you're not just a figment of someone's imagination? How do you know this isn't really but someone's dream? That you never lived this day, that this never really happened, and how do you know the here and the now is really here and now, not there and then? What if, this all never happened at all and it's all simply something someone made up in their mind, and to us, this masterpiece of a planned out word is nothing more then chemical reactions? Oh how lonely it all seems now. Good day, smoke and skin, imagine more."

MEET HADIJAH!
My Bestfriend for 4 years during secondary school. muahahaha as you can see shes fustrated with me because i spam her tagboard haha! and OBVIOUSLY in that picture she's yelling my name ''ADI'' hahahaha yeah ijah i know, i love you too HAHAHAHAHAHA you can stop yelling at me desperately . Oh man, i miss those days and yeah btw if theres one person i would never forget for my entire life in this world, is IJAH. All because i have a scar mark on my leg cause it happen at her house which i pierced tru her dad fish tank and the tank broke and two piece of glasses went straight into my knee, till today i have two ugly scars on my knee.

AND ITS FUCKING BIG. THANKS EH NURHADIJAH BINTE MALIK! -.-

FINALLY!
Got my pictures from him. Steven Lai, 24 from San Francisco, US. He came to Singapore last month for vacation. Met him, he stayed over at my place for 3 days. We had soo much fun together, especially the fish spa, as he wanted to do it badly because he cant find any fish spa in San Francisco. Yes he's a model too and he also design for his own clothing, and he will be appearing on Project Runway the next coming season, soo keep a watch out and dont miss him, hes incredibly amazing and cute hahaha. I miss him already.

Go check out his work stuff on myspace.
http://www.myspace.com/snowmandrake

FISH SPA!

You guys can get him thru here.
http://www.modelmayhem.com/snowmandrake

It’s a nice day, and we’re both kids.

2009-02-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

We were never meant to be better, we were never meant to be at all. Nothing is meant for anything, and to think, that by some paradox of our emotion we were above natural laws and actually in the realm of fate. I don't know what love is, I don't know how it's supposed to be, but my guess is that it's a variation of interpretation.

I told you not to make me your everything, and that no one should ever mean that much to a person. I was right, I've always known I was right, and it breaks my heart when you don't listen. I guess this is all because you don't listen, but I'm not really one to point the finger. I could do better; I could be better. I'm so disgusted with all that I've turned out to be, I can't even believe my sobriety has seen me through all of this. Or that I decided this without any extra essence of inebriation at all, but only my own faux pas, that I should decide to partake in such a thing I didn't hold any belief to.

You're the greatest thing a person could hope for. The greatest thing any boy could ever ask for. Only I'm not any boy. I'm not like most boys at all, and what made me seem so by any means is what effect all this had on me. I'm not meant to be hoarded or held or belonging to anyone but myself. I'm insurgent by fault, and I don't take kindly to anyone's expectations or obligations. And so maybe it's my fault, but my fingers aren't for pointing.

Only fools can love and lose. And we may be fools. We may be young. We may love, or think we love, but I'm hoping we never lose. I would never like to say I've lost such a wonderful thing. I may let you go, I may push you away, but I would be so ashamed to lose some one so beautiful in every little way. I hope I never have to leave you at all. But I can't be a boy, and be myself, and treat this and you and see things as I have been. I never wanted to be a teenage tragedy. I never wanted to be a cliche story. I never wanted to. And all I can say is that from now on, I'm going to listen to my mind, again. I gave my emotion a chance, and nothing good seems to have come of it.

Heartache, for my heart's sake.

2009-02-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I'm missing, but I know what you're not.It's easy now, for me to realize, since emotion and numbness have separated all the connections as it does. This thing, I can view objectively, and it's just the scars of memories that burn the back of my eyelid, but no longer those tear glands, and much more seldom, those corners of, not my heart, but rather, my amygdala, or some part like that. My limbic system never seemed to function properly, but you managed to jump start it for a while. What is there; what is not. And those two halves that can not exist without the other are just, and I can only say to myself ,

"These are the things that happen." And there you go again! my drive that begins to dysfunction my entire left hemisphere, and you say,

"NOO!!! YOU ARE MORE! YOU ARE HERE! YOU ARE MEMORY AND EMOTION AND YOU ARE LEFT WITH ME! YOU ARE NOT SOME SEQUENCE THAT WAS OBSERVED AND OBSCURED!! YOU ARE MORE! I MAKE YOU MORE! YOU ARE MORE! YOU ARE EVERYTHING THAT I AM! MY EXISTENCE, MY HEARTBEAT, YOU ARE EVERYTHING!"

And then you settle, and you slumber, back into your death that you live in, and my "heart" grows cold, again, to all outside emotion. You are the the only spark that lights this fire. This is the day that I come to understand, and to accept, but not yet, can I say that I feel it. You bring to me life that I never had before. I would give it all up; the cost of mine was much to high for the cost of yours.

No Man’s Land.

2009-02-15T00:11:00.000-08:00

Everyday I wake up wishing that this is all a fantasy, that everything is made up and unreal and dreamed. Everyday I wake up hoping to find a script to rehearse; hoping this life turns into a movie where everything is perfectly played out, and your success depends on how well you perform your lines; how well you perform your lies. I find myself wishing for someone to write out what I'm suppose to say, and how I'm supposed to end up in these situations, and handle them completely perfectly. I find myself wishing that I can simply get by pretending.

I can't wait for the day I realize that I am my own author,
that I can write my own story. I can have all the confidence in the world, all it takes is will power...I always seem to be lacking when it comes to reliance in myself.

We are the Brave New World.

Explanation: The Brave New world was an anti-Utopian Novel. An Anti-Utopian novel is one that warns against the creation of a perfect society. It was written right before the holocaust, I believe. Many anti-uptopian pieces have been made, but despite this fact, we are still trying to make a perfect world. In fact, today we live in a world where our decisions are all made for us.I can take a warning. If there is one thing I'm good at doing, it's listening. Go read this book. It describes how we are today. Perhaps not litterally. but it's damn close.You don't live for yourself. You don't live for what you believe in. You live for what you are told to think.

Happy Valentines Day! NOT!

2009-02-14T01:11:00.000-08:00

Ok fuck it, i dont celebrate such stuff, especially this.
Its like soo lame people showing off whose bf bought them a bigger bouqet of flowers.

Get over it, ur bf did that because they are force to and trying to make u feel good, for a day?

Still, heres some love from me to everyone!

I HATE VALENTINES DAY!

20 minutes.

Imagine if every song were like a river. Cool, and calming, but exciting if need be. Imagine if every note made waves in the ocean, that you could ride on until the sun set. Imagine if every verse told a story, of clouds and fog and clarity. Imagine if every beat from a drum pounded deep within your heart, and made it flutter and skip. Imagine if every whisper in a microphone sent shivers in your spine, and made you lose your stomach somewhere below. Imagine if every line and every word sang a chorus that spoke to your subconscious, and to your soul.

I imagine. I dream, when something feels so right, it swells inside of you, like bubble gum before it pops. Just remember, it always pops. When you think it's the best bubble you've ever blown, it will disappoint you. It's what I imagine. Solitude is my lover. Isolation is my therapy. Fueled by sweet tea, and easy cheese. My mind sets on coarse, and it analyzes, and simplifies. It untangles knots I've never twisted. But hoping to unravel it for others. But I was never one for sharing. Although, I'm willing when I'm asked. What happened to your goals and dreams? They died with my child hood. Yes, I used to dream of what you say, but my mind is too rational for hopes. My mind won't let me wish too hard. My mind will never allow me an oasis except for within itself. I hold myself back, you know. I could be so much more. But I always take my own advice. I always take my warnings. And why does my mind do this? It keeps me safe. Never knowing love means never knowing heartbreak. And never knowing heartbreak means never getting addicted. You can't miss something you've never had, as I've always said. Although, I do ache for what others seem to be longing for; the cement they're diving into headfirst. You want to go where the crowd goes. You want to follow them to the fiery pits of hell? "No," says the mind

"You're meant for more. When waves come crashing down, when they swallow them whole, the shallows will keep you safe. Enough to have fun, and although you envy them, when it ends, when they look back, the sea will be laughing, and they will envy you in ways your bones could never ache."

Dear Mind, you're too logical for kids my age. Too rational to understand.

Friday 13th

2009-02-13T01:54:00.000-08:00

Slept at 4.40am and woke up at 1 because of the noise from the renovation,oh ya, my house is having a renovation -.- soo right now im webcamming with my ex-classmate Elaine!, doing silly stuff on cam hahaha heres some pictures,

and if you wanna cam with me, go ahead add me up on msn,
forgotten-dreams@hotmail.com

and im up for anything coz im like super bored, and yeah,

NO NUDITY INVOLVE!

I have nothing else to say for now, ill update more again later maybe at night.

And Daniel, me want some chocolates!

Bye Bye Redhead ='(

2009-02-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

RAWR!

Im going bald soon as some of you guys know im going ns

this 10th of march. I got in police. YES im nervous but it'll be alright.

I think? LOL. I hope i can handle the training and stuff.

wish me luck! Byebye long red hair ='[

And mommy,

I WANT A PUPPY!! I PROMISE I'LL BEHAVE!!

Some modelling shots with my redhead.

Europe Trip!

2009-02-11T01:34:00.000-08:00

SOO!

i just came back from my europe trip recently, i visited both Germany and Paris, and YES i was on my own. My first two days was in Koln, One of the famous city in Germany. Heres a few pictures of me there at the famous DOM. Amazing city. I look silly i know -.-

Next Stop

PARIS!

I was told by my friend that Paris is like few hours away from where i was staying in Germany

soo i got excited because it has been my dream to visit PARIS. and soo on my weekends i took a small plane which was just 1 hr of journey. When i landed, it starts snowing which was unexpected and excited, still, i was shivering because i didnt know its gonna be snowing and i wasnt prepared at all coz i wore only two layers of clothing.

Walking down the streets of Paris

EIFFEL TOWER!!!

Ok this is a funny story, as you all know, my dream is to be on the eiffel tower, and so i did!

the thing is, yeah i cried ok soo whtever move on -.- the thing is, i cried soo badly but you couldnt see the tears because it was soo cold and they were all frozen. HAHAH ok lame. That was a joke. Here's a few pictures i took of the eiffel tower during the day time and night.

You gotta see this, its AMAZING!

Daytime

Night-Time

Next Stop

Germany, Regensburg

I flew back from Paris again to Germany but in a different city. Its in Regensberg where my aunt who just got married in Singapore lives. Soo i stayed over at her place for 1 week before i flied back to Singapore. Her house is amazing! Theres a garden and guess what we found? a baby porcupine LOL which she told me to not pick it up coz it is sharp, and you should know me, im stubborn ;) and so i did HAHAHAHA its super cute and harmless and YES it is sharp like the durians. But look at how adorable he looks. Soo my aunt was told by her mother in law that we were suppose to keep it inside coz if they are young and small and wandering around during the winter time, something is not right otherwise they would be in the hiding. Soo yeah we kept it for a day and i fed it with apples, ham bananas etc... LOL and my uncle Peter was like cool with it. soo yes i found myself an adorable pet for a day hahaha. Here's a picture of me and the porcupine. Also pictures of my Aunt house and her Husband ^^

My Aunt and Her Husband

Me and my Aunt

Me and the Porcupine

Next Day

Germany, Nurnberg

My aunt and me took the speed train to another town in Germany like 1hour away called Nurnberg. Its where her husband is working at. Nurnberg is famous for the christmas market there and they have nice hot wine which was their speciality during winter time there to drink hot wine. I was told that it is the most biggest christmas market in Germany. and indeed it was. The place is soo beautiful and soo crowded too LOL. Heres some pictures taken at Nurnberg.

Next Morning,

Uncle Peter decided to bring me up in the mountains to see the snow :D i was super excited about it coz ive never seen snow in my entire life except those fake lame ones we had in Singapore at the snow city LOL. Soo yeah it was 1hr away drive up to the mountain. We had soo much fun and here's some pictures of it.